WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
