I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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