I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
