Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
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