We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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