dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
