Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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