I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
