Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize