Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
