You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
