Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
We named our party play list daddy issues
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
