i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
why do cheetos always look like penises
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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