Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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