she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
