I'm eating all of the evidence.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
