If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
