im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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