good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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