THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
