i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
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