3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize