I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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