if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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