Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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