where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
