I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Randomize
