Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
