The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
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