i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
