it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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