If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
