Christians are straight up FREAKS
from now on my penis is your penis
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
