My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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