You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
