You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
