Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
