I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
