My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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