Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
