his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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