remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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