how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
