God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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