Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
