Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Randomize
