apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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