I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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