I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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