ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
