dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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