i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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