Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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