at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
