My underwear smells like fireworks.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
