the condom got lost in my hair
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
