sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
