My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
